The lesson? Watch more porn.
So a few weeks ago, Derrick had his computer invaded by a gnarly virus. It completely overtook his system, disallowing the user to access Task Manager, running impostor antivirus software, and even downloading porn files onto his desktop before our very eyes.
We spent hours trying to fix it to no avail. Annoyed, I told him to stop downloading so much porn. Equally annoyed, he adamantly denied it (“You know I don’t watch porn!”) and claimed that his suspicious activity was limited to downloading anime.
Right.
Anyway, the other day I was downloading porn. Many of my friends have already asked me, “Why the heck would you download porn?!” I’ll tell you why. Hell, I’ll show you why.
(I know the more aesthetically pleasing decision for a blog entry is to resize and align the photo, but c’mon. Just look at her.)
I did try to see if any of her videos were available for streaming. None.
So I downloaded her video (not this one, by the way) and it sat happily in my uTorrent, not hurting anyone. Unfortunately it was a huge file, so it would take a while. (Wishing I could just stream it and watch the first ten minutes. Does anyone really sit there for an hour watching porn?)
Yesterday I had nothing to do. My friends were all busy and my porn wasn’t finished downloading. I thought hey, I haven’t watched anime in a while so why don’t I do that? I thoroughly enjoyed Ef: A Tale of Memories, so I thought I should finish watching its acclaimed sequel Ef: A Tale of Melodies.
I found a reputable torrent site and hit the big, shiny “Download” button.
…Wait a second. Why is there a hyperlink at the bottom that also says “Download”?
It was too late. Immediately, my system was overtaken. I received no less than fifty popups claiming I had a virus and that I immediately had to update an antivirus software I’d never before heard of (Antimalware Doctor, scary stuff that is). Of course I was unable to run my own virus scan or even open task manager.
(I still don’t understand how it infected my system after I simply clicked a link without running any executable files.)
After some panicking, I ran Malwarebytes in safe mode. My laptop is happily in working condition again and I finally got to watch that porno with the cute Japanese girl (Risa Tsukino, for those of you who want to Google her).
Ironically, downloading porn did nothing to my computer, whereas downloading an animated romantic drama nearly crippled it. I guess Derrick wasn’t just full of shit.
The lesson? Watch more porn.